Ken Dodd: 17 of his funniest one-liners

From BBC - March 12, 2018

Comedy legend Sir Ken Dodd, who has died at the age of 90, was the irrepressible master of quick-fire one liners that left audiences in stitches. Here are some of his best:

1. "My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'"

2. "I love my girlfriend, my girlfriend loves me. She loves my hair, she loves my eyes, she loves my teeth. She loves my teeth because I am the only person that can peel an orange through a tennis racket."

3. "I have not spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I do not like to interrupt her."

4. "My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson.'"

5. "The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener."

6. On his famous tax fraud trial: "I told the Inland Revenue I did not owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside."

7. On his marathon live shows: "You think you can get away, but you ca not. I will follow you home and I will shout jokes through your letterbox."

8. "Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed."

9. "I am a sex symbol - I am a sex symbol for women who do not care."


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